I think they call it writers block

I've tried a million and one times to post, literally. Just today I've sat down and stared at the screen five times, yet I just couldn't get myself to type and I have no idea why. It's strange, to not be able to find the words to say, since I am a very out spoken person and enjoy long talks. I mean, there is plenty to update about but I just couldn't sit down and type it out. Don't get me wrong, I still love blogging whole-heatedly. Well, I suppose since I've taken my sleeping pill I should start getting to the point, I only have but a half hour, maximum.

Let's just start with the overall mood since the last post, shall we?
I've actually been pretty awesome, life is going well. I love my family, friends, God, and life. To be honest, it really is a newer feeling to me. Being so incredibly happy, being able to calm down and live my life. I still have speed bumps here and there obviously, but everyone does. In general I think I've been making progress, starting to grab this depression by the horns and just hang on. I mean, what else are you going to do about it? My Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is still the same though, in some respects I feel like it's getting worse, or maybe I'm just still noticing more of my daily habits correlate to my OCD. I'm not quite sure. Still, everything hasn't gotten too terribly bad. Praise the Lord for that. (:

Lets move on to the Boundary Waters trip!
I feel like such a man when we go up there, really, I do. Stomping through the woods carrying super heavy packs, not showering for five days, being a beast, cliff jumping, all that jazz. I still enjoy it though, I feel like a man a lot of the time anyways. I'm like a.. woMAN. Haha. I'm dumb.
Anyways, moving on. This year I went up with my dad, sister, cousin Kellie, and cousin Leah. Just the five of us. Smaller group than some other years but still fun none the less. It rained two of the four days we were there, which kinda sucked. We were either hopping into the lake or sleeping in the tent all day. We love to read books out loud, taking turns reading. This year we read "And Then There Were None" by Agatha Christie, it was an awesome book. I've been wanting to read a book of hers for a while now, you know, see if I like the author and all that jazz. I was thoroughly impressed! Absolutely loved it. Adored it even. I think I'll look into her Miss Marple series next. We finished the whole book up there, since we had so much down time in the tent.


Ah no, I ran out of time. I'm fading away, sleeping pills says: "Sleep. Now. OR ELSE." Oh well, at least I posted something.


~Sarah-Mae

Mexico - Day Eight - On the way home

Sitting on the place at 11:15 PM. We just took off from Dallas; we were supposed to be landing in Minneapolis right now but hey, what are you gonna do about it, right? I have to admit that I have a pretty horrendous attitude right now. I'm tired and if you know me even just a little bit then you know how I get when I'm lacking sleep. I'm a really mean person to chat with and even just to be in the same room with. I'm emotionally exhausted after leaving Joyas. I feel so close to Mexico. The people, culture, food, family, even the general atmosphere draws my attention in. Somehow I feel like I belong in Mexico, I feel like I fit in. I'm wanted and appreciated, loved and adored, /needed/. Even though I don't speak much of the language and I'm still a different color, everything feels right. I can't share a piece of information right now, I hope you all can understand. I would like to tell my close friends in person before letting everyone else know. It is still in the very early planning staged and I want to hear what my dear ones say about it before informing everyone else of my hopes and new dreams.

So much is changing in my life, in every way. For the better. Not that I was a terrible person before but no one is perfect and I am striving to change my life and live for Him. I know he has a plan for me, I feel like it could be huge if I go through the proper doors. I need to let him close the doors then jump out the window, instead of closing the door myself for selfish reasons. Personal gain. I feel like I have so much to offer but I am limited in Bloomington, I know I can't change the world but I sure can do my best. I can change the lives of a few people, so why shouldn't I?


~Sarah-Mae

Mexico - Day Five

I'm laying in bed hoping I will fall asleep and stay asleep until 6.
Tomorrow we go to the Mayan pyramids, shop, swim, eat, then hop over to the Mother Church. I still want to cry as I think about the four days left here in Mexico. I pray every night that I will follow God's plan for me. Whether it is going off to Princeton or Stanford to study law and follow a career of prosecuting sex crimes, jumping over to culinary school, sliding over to floral design, or becoming a missionary and working here in Mexico. I want it to be so clear, the path I am meant to take. No matter what, I need to finish high school obviously so I have less than two years to figure out God's will for me. At least figure out a bit of it. I don't want to spend money on classes just to end up dropping out. Bleh. I just wish life was slightly easier, not too much though. I love challenges but sometimes life here on Earth is dumb. I am finding that typing on my iPod is the same speed as if I were to type this up on the computer, which is really nice but I need to find a good Blogspot app. Saving a post as a note is eas, copy and paste to a blog post and BAM. BLOG POSTED. Cool, no? It's time to try and sleep. I honestly can not take thinking about this anymore. Too emotional for right now I'll rebound into crying myself to sleep if I keep going on about having to leave Mexico.


~Sarah-Mae

Mexico - Day Three

I feel like I belong here. Somehow I feel like I fit in, unlike at home; in Bloomington, Minnesota. Something about Mexico just feels right. Everything here feels right. My heart tells me to stay here but my head tells me to go for Princeton or Stanford. I love the culture, the people, the traditions, the atmosphere, the food, the weather. Everything. It's perfect. I must admit that I am worried though, about finding a mate who is up for moving to Mexico. Funny, huh:? But then again, I'm not searching for a man in the first place, I am waiting for God to lead the perfect man to me. I would ask my blog readers to pray for me as my confliction only grows. Pray that God will lead me to where he wants me to be, that I won't put my wants as a human being before His will.


~Sarah-Mae

Whoa it's six in the morning

Well I went out last night which was really good for me, I met up with Christina at Caribou and went on to the park to meet up with Patrick from there. We ended up leaving with a few people including his two sisters, Kelly and Joy. They're pretty awesome. Just saying.
Anyways, we went to Tacobell since them boys were hungry and ended up going to the heart of Burnsville. Patrick ran into the little thing of water so... Joy and I ran after. Long story short, we were soaking wet by the time we left. It was awesome. <3
Anyways, I didn't fall asleep until around 2:30 which was... Awesome... Obviously. Well I woke up at five in the morning, what can you do about it? I've been sleeping on this couch way too often for my liking, I'm sore... ALL. OVER. It hurts to walk today, hahaha... Blah.. I feel like faceplanting into my bed and just lying there for... All day. Heh heh.
I guess this is going to be a much shorter post than I expected. My brain doesn't enjoy trying to function this early in the morning with such little sleep.

The topic of the night is fitting in

Fitting in for me is a difficult thing to do, it might not seem as such though. I have a lot of friends, I get along with almost everyone, and the like. Sometimes it's really emotionally difficult to be the only Asian in the room full of people. I feel out of place. Don't get me wrong now, I absolutely adore my Korean heritage and I wouldn't trade being Korean to be of a different race. That doesn't mean that I don't have issues with feeling uncomfortable most of the time. I love going to Korean restaurants, Asian stores, Korea town in Chicago and Korea town in New York. 

Dun dun... Dun dun dundundun...

Okay, so I've realized that it's been way too long since I posted last. Nah, I won't bother making up excuses. I should have posted but I didn't. Even I have my lazy moments. On Wednesday evening I met up with some pretty awesome people at the park, went off to Tacobell with a "strange" man, and then ran around in the water at the Heart of Burnsville. On Friday I went to class, went to the mall with my cousin, ate ice cream, picked up Hannah and Leah, went to the lake and TRIED to hit a beach ball around, then went out and bought more ice cream and watched Treasure Island.. The Muppet thing. So yeah. It was pretty awesome. I uploaded a ton of pictures on Facebook yesterday and today, it felt really good to finally get them up. I've been meaning to for a long while. I couldn't find my camera cord thing so I had to go out and buy a card reader, it was only seven dollars. Cool huh? Now I'll just keep this nifty little thing with my laptop accessories and hopefully it will stay there... Lets hope it doesn't get up and walk a way, eh?

Filling out my calendar was quite the job, I imputed all the dates I know I will be gone for in Sharpie Pen and used pencil to fill in any possibly dates of being gone or even being available. Staring at all the dates is a bit over-whelming when you look at it as a whole, so much time not even being home, sleeping in my own bed. Ah well.. I enjoy keeping busy. I love my own bed a lot though, it's nice to just come home and literally faceplant into it then just lay there.(I got a funny mental image and laughed out loud. Bahaha.)

I love sleep. My body loves sleep. My brain loves sleep. Right now I am severely lacking in the sleep department, since I got four solid hours of sleep and I can't seem to drift off again. I put on some SVU but still, I can't seem to be able to fall asleep. Usually I am able to fall back asleep pretty quickly but apparently this morning is different. Hopefully I can nap later and make up for some of this much needed sleep, since I'm going out tonight. Well I guess this post is good enough for now, since I'll probably be posting at least one more time today. I hope.


~Sarah-Mae

Sugar and spice and everything nice

What could be better than this? Tea, microfiber blankets, and SVU? Not much.
I'm watching the Zodiac now... Yeah.. That first sentence was from a loooong time ago. From earlier this evening. Heh heh... I tried guys, I tried. So.. This movie is based off the actual case files, which is pretty intense. The Zodiac killer was really messed up... He changed the way he killed and stuff so it was much harder to predict his actions. He hasn't been caught to this day.. Just this year America's Most Wanted did a thing on him. Scary, huh?

Anyways...

I think I will write a paper on him because although this is really grotesque subject it is also very interesting. 

Ah you guys. I'm so tired right now. I don't feel like posting. I haven't posted in two days and I feel terrible about it. Haha. I'll post something of actual substance tomorrow. I hope.  ._.

I should really post before I go to sleep

Ah well, people come and go... I find it much easier to just not let people in and grow close to them than you have had such good people in my life. I guess you could say it's the "easy way out" again. I have so much love and I am willing to give it, I just wish that others would return said love.. I've been hurt too many times. You know that phrase "It's better to have loved and lost that love than to have never loved."? I'm to the point where I would much rather have never loved, than to have loved and lost that love. Really.

Oh boy, suddenly I feel ill. Probably because it's 12:10 in the morning, I just took my sleeping pill on an empty stomach, I've been staring at this screen just about all day, I'm practically stating at the ceiling light, and I'm listening to this tragic song which I fell in love with. <3

I sit at the computer a lot, for many different reasons. I think I should invest in a pair of computer glasses. They reflect the glare and such which protects your eyes, you're not supposed to get headaches and such. I found some on Amazon for a decent price, and another pair for not so decent. One-hundred dollars. xD

I wanted to make a longer post but I really don't feel the greatest. Oh well, there's always next time.



~Sarah-Mae

Relationships

Well guys, I must admit that last night was rough. Really rough. You know, friends come and go but there are certain people who stay by your side, no matter what. I have those people as my best friends, I honestly have no idea what I would do if I didn't have them. Sometimes you go through rough times with your friends, sometimes they are the reason times are tough... Sometimes it's best to let those people go, to move on with your life. When you want one thing and your friend wants something else it causes an unbalanced relationship. Or.. When you put so much of your time and effort into a relationship that is going no where, at all, it's oh so very one-sided. It weighs you down, takes so much out of you emotionally. Both parties need to put effort into a relationship if it's going to be healthy, balanced, and just an over-all good relationship.

Why is my relationship with this person imbalanced?

I feel like I'm the only one who puts time into it, I'm the one starting our "conversations", if you could even consider them conversations. I go out of my way to try and talk and see this person, even if I really just don't feel like it. I would just like the other person to try and make things work, to put their own time and effort into it. Is that too much to ask for?

Brianna

Why do Bri and I have such an awesome friendship that will honestly last through high school, college, and so on? We both put time into it, yeah, even we have rough times once in a while of just not feeling like we want to put the effort into attempting to look at least somewhat presentable. Sometimes it's just "too much work". But hey, usually we get off our butts and do it anyways. Why? Because, we are best friends and we'd like to keep it that way. Bri has been there for me through everything. I really mean it when I say it, everything. We officially became best friends over our seventh grade South Dakota Missions Trip. From then on we just clicked, it was really that simple. We are so open with each other, we know everything about each other. I feel like I've known her my ENTIRE life, it's so odd. Odd in a good way. I know with my whole heart that I could tell her absolutely anything without fear of being judged, though different, thought less of, or losing her as my best friend. I barely have a life outside of her, not that I don't go out with other friends and such. We are the same person, yet we are total opposites. Does that even make any sense to you? We are so much alike in such different ways. Argh, I could go on and on about Bri. She is the best. She is so incredibly special. You see, we're going to live together after college hopefully. Our careers permitting, we will share a place. Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. I love Bri. The end.





~Sarah-Mae

Never again, well, for that

Never again will I feel those blades running across my arm. I won't be enamored with the thought, the feeling, the seeing, the overall sensation. It felt so freeing in the moment... But it's not worth it. To be honest, it hurts like a bad word right not. It burns too. When it rubs against my sleeve, yeah, it HURTS. Anyways. Tonight has been absolutely terrible. I feel so.. I don't even know. I feel everything at once. I am hurt, sad, lonely, unwanted, unnecessary, I feel like a burden to all my friends and family. It's very displeasing to me. I have always been the "mother hen", I look after everyone else. I don't fix my problems, I fix their problems. I wish I would take time to fix myself. I tried, I really did. It always seems I care too much for everyone else. I tried so hard to put the pieces back together, but they didn't seem to fit or the glue wasn't sticky enough.

  

There always seems to be something preventing the healing process, isn't there?

Always something... No matter what it is, my life just doesn't go as planned. Things don't seem to work out. I had so many hopes and dreams, but my life has fallen apart and it won't fit back together. I can't seem to focus on my aspirations any longer, I just don't seem to care anymore. I wish I cared... So much... I want to do so many things in my short life. It just doesn't seem worth it anymore.

What's the point?

I don't like things without purpose, without need, without importance. I need to wake up and realize everything and everyone has a purpose. I am a perfectionist, no doubt about it. You can tell, even from the outside. I will put everything I have into something, and if it does not turn out the way I wanted to, the "perfect" way, it is not good enough. I might as well toss it out the window of a moving car. Feeling like a failure is how I feel. All the time. Why? Hmm. I can't function without my medication, I can't sleep without my medication, I can't keep up with my homework unless I get 100%, I can't work on something that I know won't come out "correctly".

Maybe my pieces don't fit together. Maybe they aren't supposed to. Maybe I need to rebuild them, completely.

This will take some time, won't it? I don't like taking so much time on a single thing, not something such as this. I can't seem to bring myself to do it. I wish I could pick up the scattered pieces and glue them back together. Life would be so much easier, but, then that wouldn't be life I suppose. Life is hard. You have to tough it out. It sucks sometimes, it really does. Trust me, I would know. I feel like trying to rebuild my life isn't worth it. Making a new foundation in God, making thicker walls in places and thinner in others, making new memories.

Why don't I know what the problem is?

I believe that deep deep down inside of myself, I know. I know why I feel like this. I know why I cry myself to sleep. I'm just scratching the surface here, but eventually I'll get down to the core. I know I can and I will. I know I will... Someday.

Why do I care?

I told myself I didn't care anymore. I wanted so badly to believe that I really didn't care anymore. That I had given up on myself and everyone else. If I didn't care I could just get it over with. Everything would just go away then. If I didn't care, I could let myself go, I could leave behind my family and my friends, I could rebel, I could do anything I wanted when ever I wanted. If I didn't care.

~Sarah-Mae

I'm going to try it, I can't help it

I can't really handle all this stuff anymore I really can't. I want to go back to the hospital and stay there, I can't handle taking care of everybody else anymore. I can't even take care of myself. Sure, I don't like blood but I'm going to try it anyways. I am going to feel the blade of my razor sliding across my skin, I am going to watch the blood trickle down my arm and onto the floor and I will be satisfied. I can't help it anymore, I have to try it. I have to. I can't help myself anymore, and no one can help me. I've tried to put the pieces back together, but they aren't fitting. Something is still wrong. I can't put my finger on it.. Sometimes life is just too stressful for me. 

I am so tired. I wanted to take a nap. I tried, I really did. I think about what it would be like to go out and get high, to sleep around, to get hammered. Would it take away my problems in that moment? Probably. I want to go through a rebellious stage, I want to do all those things. I'd be so addicted, but I'd be free of my immediate problems. I'll be sitting on the floor, staring down at my wrist as I slide the blades over it, enamored with the sensations that will follow. It will grant me freedom, I will have control, I will own it. 

~Sarah-Mae

Amnion CPC's Fundraising Walk for Life

Amnion CPC's Fundraising Walk for Life
 ^Click me!

Check it out! I'm doing a fundraiser walk!
I'm super excited for it, I'll be walking even if it.. SNOWS.

Here we go...

This is my first official post, I suppose. I'm sitting at the Spyhouse Coffee house/internet cafe, it's easier for me to study away from the house. You'll know why later.

So here I am, blogging and studying, soon to be sipping something caramel and vanilla. The atmosphere is super modern, upbeat, it's a really happy place. I love places that are so upbeat when I can just mind my own business, it's something I really like.

I don't know where to start, in terms of why I haven't shown up much, why I might have been acting different, where I went when I dropped off the face of the planet for a week. Maybe you haven't even noticed, no worries then. This might come as a surprise though.

I have been struggling with depression, self image, OCD, and things of the like for quite some time.

I didn't even know it for a while, but then all of a sudden I could feel myself being different. The things that used to make me overjoyed didn't anymore. I would cry myself to sleep IF I slept,  just about every night for reasons unknown to me then. Sometimes I would stay up staring at the ceiling until four in the morning. I would cry in the shower to hide it from my family and my friends. 

I put on a fake face and acted like nothing was wrong, because I didn't know what was wrong with me, I hate to say it but I'm good at lying and deceiving, it's terrible, I know. It's true though. I pretended like nothing was wrong, I pretended that I had everything together, when In reality it was shattered and scattered all over the floor. 

I had suicidal thoughts.

The slip of a blade running over my wrists.

The feeling of having the life choked out of me.

One clean run across my neck.

I began to feel exhausted all the time. Like the feeling you get when you've walked all over the fair all day long in the sun and you're on your way back to the car, you can see your car but it looks so far away still, you're tired but you just keep walking. You have to.

That is how I felt everyday, every moment. I felt like I couldn't take the stresses in my life any longer. I wanted to sleep, to sleep forever. I wanted my problems to go away, to be non existent. I wanted to take the "easy" way out, and just end things. I wasn't exactly sure how or when but I knew I was going to do it and I knew I was going to do it soon.

One day I was talking with my parents about school, one of my major stresses. I make it stressful though, I want to go either go to Princeton Law or Stanford Law. I have high goals in life for myself, I am self driven. This year I got incredibly far behind in my school work, I couldn't handle being responsible to do my own work. I didn't like taking the time to write everything out. The only class I was keeping up with was my Latin class at the high school, where it was structured. Everything else was piling up, my grades have always been A's, they still are, only when I motivate myself to do my work.

That day was terrible, I felt horrendous. I felt like I couldn't keep on doing what I was doing. I tried to change but I didn't try hard enough, I never DID anything. I only TRIED.

I wanted to drop out of high school all together despite my aspirations for my future.

I decided this is when I would do it.

I ran up the stairs in tears, searching for anything to end my precious life given to me.

I rummaged through the knife drawer in the kitchen, my head was spinning. Then the thought of blood came to my mind, I hate blood, I could never inflict damage on myself that would cause me to bleed. I was desperate, but still, no blood. Besides, it would be messy and I didn't want my sister to see me like that. I moved on to the bathroom locking the door behind me, I searched through the cabinets for some kind of pills to end it quickly. No blood. I came up empty handed, we had nothing that would take away a life so easily. My parents got the door open and I slide down the wall sobbing, my dad had called 911 and was speaking to the operator. The cops and a bus was on their way.

I didn't take any pills. I never cut my body.

I was taken into the bus and asked many questions, mainly getting at do I have sex all the time, am I pregnant, and am I abused by anybody. They asked me if I had even been touched inappropriately, my first response to that was a definite "No." the second that word came rolling off my tongue a voice inside my head screamed yes, I had been touched in a way that was not pleasing to me.

My friend had touched me.

My heart was racing, I was choking on tears and saliva. My head was spinning with questions. I knew I hadn't wanted to be touched, talked to, anything by this person. I had told him to stop, over and over again. Every time he whispered into my ear a shudder ran down my spine, disgusted with what he had to say. When he would move towards me I'd flinch and move away. I told him to let go of me. He wouldn't stop. I confronted him about everything he had done. He made excuses, he didn't understand how I felt. My other friend went to him, over and over. She told him to stop, to leave me alone. She told him I didn't like it. Still, he didn't understand. The words were going in one ear and coming out the other. We both went to him, both of us clearly and firmly stating our opinion without attacking him, we wanted to help him, we loved him.

After this and speaking with my parents we decided it was best to go to our youth group Pastor, unsure of what would happen we told him what had occurred. We told him how we felt, how over the course of two years, I had grown tired of his touch and his poisonous words.

We were told not to remain friends with this friend whom we loved and held dear to us. We ended our "friendship". It was time to move on.

I felt betrayed, used, tossed aside like an old child's toy. I was hurt. If this friend loved me so much, why would he have done such things? Why? How could he? How could he wake up every morning and not feel guilty? How could he not be sorry? I didn't understand.

The paramedic asked me who had touched me and I told her. She asked if he had raped me. He didn't, thank God. I was scared that he was going to, he would ask me what I would do if he came and raped me. At times I wished he did rape me, then I would have an excuse for feeling how I did.

I got to the hospital and waited for hours in a small room, they gave me food and juice. I was so tired. I wanted to sleep. I was admitted into the Child and Adolescent mental heath care unit(Station 37) on the hospital, a place where I could talk about why I was there. How I got there. They taught me how to cope with the events that had happened, I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, severe without psychotic features, a severe case of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and sleep insomnia/anxiety. I was put on 50 milligrams of a sleep aid and began 20 milligrams of an Anti-Depressant with an OCD aid. I began to sleep through the night, versus waking up between four and ten times during the few hours I was asleep. My room mate on Station 37 was awesome, I was afraid of what it would be like and I was afraid of being that "one kid" who sits in the corner. Right away my room mate and I got along, we were two peas in a pod. Life on Station 37 was so structured, so stress free. I felt like I fit in for the first time in my life. Everybody here was just like me. Maybe we still didn't look the same but we were all here for the same reason. We were all struggling. I stayed in Station 37 for one week. I got phone calls and visitors daily though. I had three missed calls from Josh, one from Bri, and one from home. The others I answered. My parents would visit me all the way down town every day for as long as they could during visiting hours. Bri, Christina, and Josh all came to the hospital to visit me.

Once I got out of the hospital and went back home I had monthly check in's with my Psychiatrist from the unit that I had chosen to continue seeing. The medication for my depression and my OCD increased to 40 on my first check up, it went to 60 on my third, and remained at 60 on my fourth.

I am making progress on this journey, slowly but surely. I am growing as a person, I am growing Spiritually, and I finding myself.

That's all for now.

~Sarah-Mae

I want to be open. I want to let people in. I want my friends to know the real me.

Comment, message me on Facebook, whatever. I want to talk.