Mexico - Day Eight - On the way home

Sitting on the place at 11:15 PM. We just took off from Dallas; we were supposed to be landing in Minneapolis right now but hey, what are you gonna do about it, right? I have to admit that I have a pretty horrendous attitude right now. I'm tired and if you know me even just a little bit then you know how I get when I'm lacking sleep. I'm a really mean person to chat with and even just to be in the same room with. I'm emotionally exhausted after leaving Joyas. I feel so close to Mexico. The people, culture, food, family, even the general atmosphere draws my attention in. Somehow I feel like I belong in Mexico, I feel like I fit in. I'm wanted and appreciated, loved and adored, /needed/. Even though I don't speak much of the language and I'm still a different color, everything feels right. I can't share a piece of information right now, I hope you all can understand. I would like to tell my close friends in person before letting everyone else know. It is still in the very early planning staged and I want to hear what my dear ones say about it before informing everyone else of my hopes and new dreams.

So much is changing in my life, in every way. For the better. Not that I was a terrible person before but no one is perfect and I am striving to change my life and live for Him. I know he has a plan for me, I feel like it could be huge if I go through the proper doors. I need to let him close the doors then jump out the window, instead of closing the door myself for selfish reasons. Personal gain. I feel like I have so much to offer but I am limited in Bloomington, I know I can't change the world but I sure can do my best. I can change the lives of a few people, so why shouldn't I?


~Sarah-Mae

Mexico - Day Three

I feel like I belong here. Somehow I feel like I fit in, unlike at home; in Bloomington, Minnesota. Something about Mexico just feels right. Everything here feels right. My heart tells me to stay here but my head tells me to go for Princeton or Stanford. I love the culture, the people, the traditions, the atmosphere, the food, the weather. Everything. It's perfect. I must admit that I am worried though, about finding a mate who is up for moving to Mexico. Funny, huh:? But then again, I'm not searching for a man in the first place, I am waiting for God to lead the perfect man to me. I would ask my blog readers to pray for me as my confliction only grows. Pray that God will lead me to where he wants me to be, that I won't put my wants as a human being before His will.


~Sarah-Mae

Never again, well, for that

Never again will I feel those blades running across my arm. I won't be enamored with the thought, the feeling, the seeing, the overall sensation. It felt so freeing in the moment... But it's not worth it. To be honest, it hurts like a bad word right not. It burns too. When it rubs against my sleeve, yeah, it HURTS. Anyways. Tonight has been absolutely terrible. I feel so.. I don't even know. I feel everything at once. I am hurt, sad, lonely, unwanted, unnecessary, I feel like a burden to all my friends and family. It's very displeasing to me. I have always been the "mother hen", I look after everyone else. I don't fix my problems, I fix their problems. I wish I would take time to fix myself. I tried, I really did. It always seems I care too much for everyone else. I tried so hard to put the pieces back together, but they didn't seem to fit or the glue wasn't sticky enough.

  

There always seems to be something preventing the healing process, isn't there?

Always something... No matter what it is, my life just doesn't go as planned. Things don't seem to work out. I had so many hopes and dreams, but my life has fallen apart and it won't fit back together. I can't seem to focus on my aspirations any longer, I just don't seem to care anymore. I wish I cared... So much... I want to do so many things in my short life. It just doesn't seem worth it anymore.

What's the point?

I don't like things without purpose, without need, without importance. I need to wake up and realize everything and everyone has a purpose. I am a perfectionist, no doubt about it. You can tell, even from the outside. I will put everything I have into something, and if it does not turn out the way I wanted to, the "perfect" way, it is not good enough. I might as well toss it out the window of a moving car. Feeling like a failure is how I feel. All the time. Why? Hmm. I can't function without my medication, I can't sleep without my medication, I can't keep up with my homework unless I get 100%, I can't work on something that I know won't come out "correctly".

Maybe my pieces don't fit together. Maybe they aren't supposed to. Maybe I need to rebuild them, completely.

This will take some time, won't it? I don't like taking so much time on a single thing, not something such as this. I can't seem to bring myself to do it. I wish I could pick up the scattered pieces and glue them back together. Life would be so much easier, but, then that wouldn't be life I suppose. Life is hard. You have to tough it out. It sucks sometimes, it really does. Trust me, I would know. I feel like trying to rebuild my life isn't worth it. Making a new foundation in God, making thicker walls in places and thinner in others, making new memories.

Why don't I know what the problem is?

I believe that deep deep down inside of myself, I know. I know why I feel like this. I know why I cry myself to sleep. I'm just scratching the surface here, but eventually I'll get down to the core. I know I can and I will. I know I will... Someday.

Why do I care?

I told myself I didn't care anymore. I wanted so badly to believe that I really didn't care anymore. That I had given up on myself and everyone else. If I didn't care I could just get it over with. Everything would just go away then. If I didn't care, I could let myself go, I could leave behind my family and my friends, I could rebel, I could do anything I wanted when ever I wanted. If I didn't care.

~Sarah-Mae