I think they call it writers block

I've tried a million and one times to post, literally. Just today I've sat down and stared at the screen five times, yet I just couldn't get myself to type and I have no idea why. It's strange, to not be able to find the words to say, since I am a very out spoken person and enjoy long talks. I mean, there is plenty to update about but I just couldn't sit down and type it out. Don't get me wrong, I still love blogging whole-heatedly. Well, I suppose since I've taken my sleeping pill I should start getting to the point, I only have but a half hour, maximum.

Let's just start with the overall mood since the last post, shall we?
I've actually been pretty awesome, life is going well. I love my family, friends, God, and life. To be honest, it really is a newer feeling to me. Being so incredibly happy, being able to calm down and live my life. I still have speed bumps here and there obviously, but everyone does. In general I think I've been making progress, starting to grab this depression by the horns and just hang on. I mean, what else are you going to do about it? My Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is still the same though, in some respects I feel like it's getting worse, or maybe I'm just still noticing more of my daily habits correlate to my OCD. I'm not quite sure. Still, everything hasn't gotten too terribly bad. Praise the Lord for that. (:

Lets move on to the Boundary Waters trip!
I feel like such a man when we go up there, really, I do. Stomping through the woods carrying super heavy packs, not showering for five days, being a beast, cliff jumping, all that jazz. I still enjoy it though, I feel like a man a lot of the time anyways. I'm like a.. woMAN. Haha. I'm dumb.
Anyways, moving on. This year I went up with my dad, sister, cousin Kellie, and cousin Leah. Just the five of us. Smaller group than some other years but still fun none the less. It rained two of the four days we were there, which kinda sucked. We were either hopping into the lake or sleeping in the tent all day. We love to read books out loud, taking turns reading. This year we read "And Then There Were None" by Agatha Christie, it was an awesome book. I've been wanting to read a book of hers for a while now, you know, see if I like the author and all that jazz. I was thoroughly impressed! Absolutely loved it. Adored it even. I think I'll look into her Miss Marple series next. We finished the whole book up there, since we had so much down time in the tent.


Ah no, I ran out of time. I'm fading away, sleeping pills says: "Sleep. Now. OR ELSE." Oh well, at least I posted something.


~Sarah-Mae

Mexico - Day Eight - On the way home

Sitting on the place at 11:15 PM. We just took off from Dallas; we were supposed to be landing in Minneapolis right now but hey, what are you gonna do about it, right? I have to admit that I have a pretty horrendous attitude right now. I'm tired and if you know me even just a little bit then you know how I get when I'm lacking sleep. I'm a really mean person to chat with and even just to be in the same room with. I'm emotionally exhausted after leaving Joyas. I feel so close to Mexico. The people, culture, food, family, even the general atmosphere draws my attention in. Somehow I feel like I belong in Mexico, I feel like I fit in. I'm wanted and appreciated, loved and adored, /needed/. Even though I don't speak much of the language and I'm still a different color, everything feels right. I can't share a piece of information right now, I hope you all can understand. I would like to tell my close friends in person before letting everyone else know. It is still in the very early planning staged and I want to hear what my dear ones say about it before informing everyone else of my hopes and new dreams.

So much is changing in my life, in every way. For the better. Not that I was a terrible person before but no one is perfect and I am striving to change my life and live for Him. I know he has a plan for me, I feel like it could be huge if I go through the proper doors. I need to let him close the doors then jump out the window, instead of closing the door myself for selfish reasons. Personal gain. I feel like I have so much to offer but I am limited in Bloomington, I know I can't change the world but I sure can do my best. I can change the lives of a few people, so why shouldn't I?


~Sarah-Mae

Mexico - Day Five

I'm laying in bed hoping I will fall asleep and stay asleep until 6.
Tomorrow we go to the Mayan pyramids, shop, swim, eat, then hop over to the Mother Church. I still want to cry as I think about the four days left here in Mexico. I pray every night that I will follow God's plan for me. Whether it is going off to Princeton or Stanford to study law and follow a career of prosecuting sex crimes, jumping over to culinary school, sliding over to floral design, or becoming a missionary and working here in Mexico. I want it to be so clear, the path I am meant to take. No matter what, I need to finish high school obviously so I have less than two years to figure out God's will for me. At least figure out a bit of it. I don't want to spend money on classes just to end up dropping out. Bleh. I just wish life was slightly easier, not too much though. I love challenges but sometimes life here on Earth is dumb. I am finding that typing on my iPod is the same speed as if I were to type this up on the computer, which is really nice but I need to find a good Blogspot app. Saving a post as a note is eas, copy and paste to a blog post and BAM. BLOG POSTED. Cool, no? It's time to try and sleep. I honestly can not take thinking about this anymore. Too emotional for right now I'll rebound into crying myself to sleep if I keep going on about having to leave Mexico.


~Sarah-Mae

Mexico - Day Three

I feel like I belong here. Somehow I feel like I fit in, unlike at home; in Bloomington, Minnesota. Something about Mexico just feels right. Everything here feels right. My heart tells me to stay here but my head tells me to go for Princeton or Stanford. I love the culture, the people, the traditions, the atmosphere, the food, the weather. Everything. It's perfect. I must admit that I am worried though, about finding a mate who is up for moving to Mexico. Funny, huh:? But then again, I'm not searching for a man in the first place, I am waiting for God to lead the perfect man to me. I would ask my blog readers to pray for me as my confliction only grows. Pray that God will lead me to where he wants me to be, that I won't put my wants as a human being before His will.


~Sarah-Mae

Never again, well, for that

Never again will I feel those blades running across my arm. I won't be enamored with the thought, the feeling, the seeing, the overall sensation. It felt so freeing in the moment... But it's not worth it. To be honest, it hurts like a bad word right not. It burns too. When it rubs against my sleeve, yeah, it HURTS. Anyways. Tonight has been absolutely terrible. I feel so.. I don't even know. I feel everything at once. I am hurt, sad, lonely, unwanted, unnecessary, I feel like a burden to all my friends and family. It's very displeasing to me. I have always been the "mother hen", I look after everyone else. I don't fix my problems, I fix their problems. I wish I would take time to fix myself. I tried, I really did. It always seems I care too much for everyone else. I tried so hard to put the pieces back together, but they didn't seem to fit or the glue wasn't sticky enough.

  

There always seems to be something preventing the healing process, isn't there?

Always something... No matter what it is, my life just doesn't go as planned. Things don't seem to work out. I had so many hopes and dreams, but my life has fallen apart and it won't fit back together. I can't seem to focus on my aspirations any longer, I just don't seem to care anymore. I wish I cared... So much... I want to do so many things in my short life. It just doesn't seem worth it anymore.

What's the point?

I don't like things without purpose, without need, without importance. I need to wake up and realize everything and everyone has a purpose. I am a perfectionist, no doubt about it. You can tell, even from the outside. I will put everything I have into something, and if it does not turn out the way I wanted to, the "perfect" way, it is not good enough. I might as well toss it out the window of a moving car. Feeling like a failure is how I feel. All the time. Why? Hmm. I can't function without my medication, I can't sleep without my medication, I can't keep up with my homework unless I get 100%, I can't work on something that I know won't come out "correctly".

Maybe my pieces don't fit together. Maybe they aren't supposed to. Maybe I need to rebuild them, completely.

This will take some time, won't it? I don't like taking so much time on a single thing, not something such as this. I can't seem to bring myself to do it. I wish I could pick up the scattered pieces and glue them back together. Life would be so much easier, but, then that wouldn't be life I suppose. Life is hard. You have to tough it out. It sucks sometimes, it really does. Trust me, I would know. I feel like trying to rebuild my life isn't worth it. Making a new foundation in God, making thicker walls in places and thinner in others, making new memories.

Why don't I know what the problem is?

I believe that deep deep down inside of myself, I know. I know why I feel like this. I know why I cry myself to sleep. I'm just scratching the surface here, but eventually I'll get down to the core. I know I can and I will. I know I will... Someday.

Why do I care?

I told myself I didn't care anymore. I wanted so badly to believe that I really didn't care anymore. That I had given up on myself and everyone else. If I didn't care I could just get it over with. Everything would just go away then. If I didn't care, I could let myself go, I could leave behind my family and my friends, I could rebel, I could do anything I wanted when ever I wanted. If I didn't care.

~Sarah-Mae