Why?

Do you ever just lie there wondering why? Why your voice isn't heard, you're screaming but still no one hears you. You've watched and waited and now you're warning, no one listens.

I think they call it writers block

I've tried a million and one times to post, literally. Just today I've sat down and stared at the screen five times, yet I just couldn't get myself to type and I have no idea why. It's strange, to not be able to find the words to say, since I am a very out spoken person and enjoy long talks. I mean, there is plenty to update about but I just couldn't sit down and type it out. Don't get me wrong, I still love blogging whole-heatedly. Well, I suppose since I've taken my sleeping pill I should start getting to the point, I only have but a half hour, maximum.

Let's just start with the overall mood since the last post, shall we?
I've actually been pretty awesome, life is going well. I love my family, friends, God, and life. To be honest, it really is a newer feeling to me. Being so incredibly happy, being able to calm down and live my life. I still have speed bumps here and there obviously, but everyone does. In general I think I've been making progress, starting to grab this depression by the horns and just hang on. I mean, what else are you going to do about it? My Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is still the same though, in some respects I feel like it's getting worse, or maybe I'm just still noticing more of my daily habits correlate to my OCD. I'm not quite sure. Still, everything hasn't gotten too terribly bad. Praise the Lord for that. (:

Lets move on to the Boundary Waters trip!
I feel like such a man when we go up there, really, I do. Stomping through the woods carrying super heavy packs, not showering for five days, being a beast, cliff jumping, all that jazz. I still enjoy it though, I feel like a man a lot of the time anyways. I'm like a.. woMAN. Haha. I'm dumb.
Anyways, moving on. This year I went up with my dad, sister, cousin Kellie, and cousin Leah. Just the five of us. Smaller group than some other years but still fun none the less. It rained two of the four days we were there, which kinda sucked. We were either hopping into the lake or sleeping in the tent all day. We love to read books out loud, taking turns reading. This year we read "And Then There Were None" by Agatha Christie, it was an awesome book. I've been wanting to read a book of hers for a while now, you know, see if I like the author and all that jazz. I was thoroughly impressed! Absolutely loved it. Adored it even. I think I'll look into her Miss Marple series next. We finished the whole book up there, since we had so much down time in the tent.


Ah no, I ran out of time. I'm fading away, sleeping pills says: "Sleep. Now. OR ELSE." Oh well, at least I posted something.


~Sarah-Mae

Whew, what a day

Well, first off I should start by apologizing for not posting sooner. I intended to post more often, honestly. Sometimes things just don't work out, huh?
Lately I've been doing really well, surprisingly... I've gotten out a lot though, which makes my days a lot better. When I go out with my friends nothing else really matters. I can just have fun, like a "normal" teenage girl.

What is "normal"?


I can't get into all of that right now, I'll get back to you on this in a "Society" post. Haha...


I love just hanging out, I could sit around and talk for hours and be totally ecstatic. I don't know... I like and appreciate the little things in life now days, I guess it's becoming a habit of sort. I notice a lot more than the average person, due to my OCD and just the way I am, I suppose. I didn't really... What's the word... Not that I didn't pay attention to the small stuff, I guess I didn't really concern myself with it? It just didn't matter to me. I took things for granted. I took everything for granted. I have learned and I am learning how to notice the "small" things and to really appreciate them. I don't really remember where I was going with this... I'm tired now. Heh heh.
Well anyways. I want to do lots of things in my life. Little and big things such as museum hopping and sky diving. Touring Europe, Asia, etc. Take a road trip, I love driving around. Haha.
If you're interested in museum hopping with me you should definitely let me know. I have to warn you though, I don't do much socializing when I'm at museums. ...I'm a nerd...
I'll take notes... Gawk for a few minutes... Stuff like that... But hey, you're more than welcome to keep me company. If you love me, take me to the Science Museum or like... Fort Snelling... Even the art museum. :p





~Sarah-Mae

Never again, well, for that

Never again will I feel those blades running across my arm. I won't be enamored with the thought, the feeling, the seeing, the overall sensation. It felt so freeing in the moment... But it's not worth it. To be honest, it hurts like a bad word right not. It burns too. When it rubs against my sleeve, yeah, it HURTS. Anyways. Tonight has been absolutely terrible. I feel so.. I don't even know. I feel everything at once. I am hurt, sad, lonely, unwanted, unnecessary, I feel like a burden to all my friends and family. It's very displeasing to me. I have always been the "mother hen", I look after everyone else. I don't fix my problems, I fix their problems. I wish I would take time to fix myself. I tried, I really did. It always seems I care too much for everyone else. I tried so hard to put the pieces back together, but they didn't seem to fit or the glue wasn't sticky enough.

  

There always seems to be something preventing the healing process, isn't there?

Always something... No matter what it is, my life just doesn't go as planned. Things don't seem to work out. I had so many hopes and dreams, but my life has fallen apart and it won't fit back together. I can't seem to focus on my aspirations any longer, I just don't seem to care anymore. I wish I cared... So much... I want to do so many things in my short life. It just doesn't seem worth it anymore.

What's the point?

I don't like things without purpose, without need, without importance. I need to wake up and realize everything and everyone has a purpose. I am a perfectionist, no doubt about it. You can tell, even from the outside. I will put everything I have into something, and if it does not turn out the way I wanted to, the "perfect" way, it is not good enough. I might as well toss it out the window of a moving car. Feeling like a failure is how I feel. All the time. Why? Hmm. I can't function without my medication, I can't sleep without my medication, I can't keep up with my homework unless I get 100%, I can't work on something that I know won't come out "correctly".

Maybe my pieces don't fit together. Maybe they aren't supposed to. Maybe I need to rebuild them, completely.

This will take some time, won't it? I don't like taking so much time on a single thing, not something such as this. I can't seem to bring myself to do it. I wish I could pick up the scattered pieces and glue them back together. Life would be so much easier, but, then that wouldn't be life I suppose. Life is hard. You have to tough it out. It sucks sometimes, it really does. Trust me, I would know. I feel like trying to rebuild my life isn't worth it. Making a new foundation in God, making thicker walls in places and thinner in others, making new memories.

Why don't I know what the problem is?

I believe that deep deep down inside of myself, I know. I know why I feel like this. I know why I cry myself to sleep. I'm just scratching the surface here, but eventually I'll get down to the core. I know I can and I will. I know I will... Someday.

Why do I care?

I told myself I didn't care anymore. I wanted so badly to believe that I really didn't care anymore. That I had given up on myself and everyone else. If I didn't care I could just get it over with. Everything would just go away then. If I didn't care, I could let myself go, I could leave behind my family and my friends, I could rebel, I could do anything I wanted when ever I wanted. If I didn't care.

~Sarah-Mae

Here we go...

This is my first official post, I suppose. I'm sitting at the Spyhouse Coffee house/internet cafe, it's easier for me to study away from the house. You'll know why later.

So here I am, blogging and studying, soon to be sipping something caramel and vanilla. The atmosphere is super modern, upbeat, it's a really happy place. I love places that are so upbeat when I can just mind my own business, it's something I really like.

I don't know where to start, in terms of why I haven't shown up much, why I might have been acting different, where I went when I dropped off the face of the planet for a week. Maybe you haven't even noticed, no worries then. This might come as a surprise though.

I have been struggling with depression, self image, OCD, and things of the like for quite some time.

I didn't even know it for a while, but then all of a sudden I could feel myself being different. The things that used to make me overjoyed didn't anymore. I would cry myself to sleep IF I slept,  just about every night for reasons unknown to me then. Sometimes I would stay up staring at the ceiling until four in the morning. I would cry in the shower to hide it from my family and my friends. 

I put on a fake face and acted like nothing was wrong, because I didn't know what was wrong with me, I hate to say it but I'm good at lying and deceiving, it's terrible, I know. It's true though. I pretended like nothing was wrong, I pretended that I had everything together, when In reality it was shattered and scattered all over the floor. 

I had suicidal thoughts.

The slip of a blade running over my wrists.

The feeling of having the life choked out of me.

One clean run across my neck.

I began to feel exhausted all the time. Like the feeling you get when you've walked all over the fair all day long in the sun and you're on your way back to the car, you can see your car but it looks so far away still, you're tired but you just keep walking. You have to.

That is how I felt everyday, every moment. I felt like I couldn't take the stresses in my life any longer. I wanted to sleep, to sleep forever. I wanted my problems to go away, to be non existent. I wanted to take the "easy" way out, and just end things. I wasn't exactly sure how or when but I knew I was going to do it and I knew I was going to do it soon.

One day I was talking with my parents about school, one of my major stresses. I make it stressful though, I want to go either go to Princeton Law or Stanford Law. I have high goals in life for myself, I am self driven. This year I got incredibly far behind in my school work, I couldn't handle being responsible to do my own work. I didn't like taking the time to write everything out. The only class I was keeping up with was my Latin class at the high school, where it was structured. Everything else was piling up, my grades have always been A's, they still are, only when I motivate myself to do my work.

That day was terrible, I felt horrendous. I felt like I couldn't keep on doing what I was doing. I tried to change but I didn't try hard enough, I never DID anything. I only TRIED.

I wanted to drop out of high school all together despite my aspirations for my future.

I decided this is when I would do it.

I ran up the stairs in tears, searching for anything to end my precious life given to me.

I rummaged through the knife drawer in the kitchen, my head was spinning. Then the thought of blood came to my mind, I hate blood, I could never inflict damage on myself that would cause me to bleed. I was desperate, but still, no blood. Besides, it would be messy and I didn't want my sister to see me like that. I moved on to the bathroom locking the door behind me, I searched through the cabinets for some kind of pills to end it quickly. No blood. I came up empty handed, we had nothing that would take away a life so easily. My parents got the door open and I slide down the wall sobbing, my dad had called 911 and was speaking to the operator. The cops and a bus was on their way.

I didn't take any pills. I never cut my body.

I was taken into the bus and asked many questions, mainly getting at do I have sex all the time, am I pregnant, and am I abused by anybody. They asked me if I had even been touched inappropriately, my first response to that was a definite "No." the second that word came rolling off my tongue a voice inside my head screamed yes, I had been touched in a way that was not pleasing to me.

My friend had touched me.

My heart was racing, I was choking on tears and saliva. My head was spinning with questions. I knew I hadn't wanted to be touched, talked to, anything by this person. I had told him to stop, over and over again. Every time he whispered into my ear a shudder ran down my spine, disgusted with what he had to say. When he would move towards me I'd flinch and move away. I told him to let go of me. He wouldn't stop. I confronted him about everything he had done. He made excuses, he didn't understand how I felt. My other friend went to him, over and over. She told him to stop, to leave me alone. She told him I didn't like it. Still, he didn't understand. The words were going in one ear and coming out the other. We both went to him, both of us clearly and firmly stating our opinion without attacking him, we wanted to help him, we loved him.

After this and speaking with my parents we decided it was best to go to our youth group Pastor, unsure of what would happen we told him what had occurred. We told him how we felt, how over the course of two years, I had grown tired of his touch and his poisonous words.

We were told not to remain friends with this friend whom we loved and held dear to us. We ended our "friendship". It was time to move on.

I felt betrayed, used, tossed aside like an old child's toy. I was hurt. If this friend loved me so much, why would he have done such things? Why? How could he? How could he wake up every morning and not feel guilty? How could he not be sorry? I didn't understand.

The paramedic asked me who had touched me and I told her. She asked if he had raped me. He didn't, thank God. I was scared that he was going to, he would ask me what I would do if he came and raped me. At times I wished he did rape me, then I would have an excuse for feeling how I did.

I got to the hospital and waited for hours in a small room, they gave me food and juice. I was so tired. I wanted to sleep. I was admitted into the Child and Adolescent mental heath care unit(Station 37) on the hospital, a place where I could talk about why I was there. How I got there. They taught me how to cope with the events that had happened, I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, severe without psychotic features, a severe case of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and sleep insomnia/anxiety. I was put on 50 milligrams of a sleep aid and began 20 milligrams of an Anti-Depressant with an OCD aid. I began to sleep through the night, versus waking up between four and ten times during the few hours I was asleep. My room mate on Station 37 was awesome, I was afraid of what it would be like and I was afraid of being that "one kid" who sits in the corner. Right away my room mate and I got along, we were two peas in a pod. Life on Station 37 was so structured, so stress free. I felt like I fit in for the first time in my life. Everybody here was just like me. Maybe we still didn't look the same but we were all here for the same reason. We were all struggling. I stayed in Station 37 for one week. I got phone calls and visitors daily though. I had three missed calls from Josh, one from Bri, and one from home. The others I answered. My parents would visit me all the way down town every day for as long as they could during visiting hours. Bri, Christina, and Josh all came to the hospital to visit me.

Once I got out of the hospital and went back home I had monthly check in's with my Psychiatrist from the unit that I had chosen to continue seeing. The medication for my depression and my OCD increased to 40 on my first check up, it went to 60 on my third, and remained at 60 on my fourth.

I am making progress on this journey, slowly but surely. I am growing as a person, I am growing Spiritually, and I finding myself.

That's all for now.

~Sarah-Mae

I want to be open. I want to let people in. I want my friends to know the real me.

Comment, message me on Facebook, whatever. I want to talk.

Lets give this a try

Well, I've never really blogged before. I can see myself blogging quite often though, it gives me a chance to really be me. To open up. 
Lets start with why I decided to blog.

• I like typing a lot more than I enjoy writing with a pen
• It's easier to open up like this, instead of "face to face"
• It's just easier over all. 
• Things have happened to me, and they've happened to other people as well, I hope I can help someone somewhere.
• I think it would be fun. :p

Now, if you know me, you know that I talk kinda fast and I kinda sorta bounce all over the place, from topic to topic, hopefully I can be a little more organized with my "speech" pattern here. Haha, really. I'm really excited to see what will happen here.
I think my first "real" post will be later on today, while I'm at the library.


I am not afraid of being judged...
I am not afraid of losing friends...
I am not afraid of opening up...
I am not afraid of being me....



I guess that's all for now, see you soon.
~Miss Mae