A couple thoughts and feelings

You're the first thing I think of, each morning I arise.

You are the last thing I think of, each night I close my eyes.

My feelings are growing strong, with every move you make. 

You're an angel from above, who takes my pain away.

You are the miracle in my life, who always makes me smile.

Just knowing that you care, makes me life worth-while.

You've touched my heart and my soul, stained it with your love.

Your gentle words will never leave my heart. 

You're everything I want, so pure and true.

I love you with everything I have.

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Silence builds an awful wreckage of a girl, it feeds on loneliness and creates a void.

Grey shadows haunt, torment, and abuse.

A girl is stricken and destroyed.

There is not a sound of laughter or a smiling face to see, 

the little ones have given up and took the easy road home.

Somber, melancholy moods decay the soul.

It is futile to hope, dream, and pray.

Emptiness builds a home here in this woman, in this girl, this child, where hollows have bred.

A deepening sea of darkness consumes the soul,  it eats away at every connecting thread.

Confusion feels savage inside of her, she is destined to walk through life less than ordinary.

Alone.

Exiled.

Different.

&

Disdained.

~Sarah-Mae

I think they call it writers block

I've tried a million and one times to post, literally. Just today I've sat down and stared at the screen five times, yet I just couldn't get myself to type and I have no idea why. It's strange, to not be able to find the words to say, since I am a very out spoken person and enjoy long talks. I mean, there is plenty to update about but I just couldn't sit down and type it out. Don't get me wrong, I still love blogging whole-heatedly. Well, I suppose since I've taken my sleeping pill I should start getting to the point, I only have but a half hour, maximum.

Let's just start with the overall mood since the last post, shall we?
I've actually been pretty awesome, life is going well. I love my family, friends, God, and life. To be honest, it really is a newer feeling to me. Being so incredibly happy, being able to calm down and live my life. I still have speed bumps here and there obviously, but everyone does. In general I think I've been making progress, starting to grab this depression by the horns and just hang on. I mean, what else are you going to do about it? My Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is still the same though, in some respects I feel like it's getting worse, or maybe I'm just still noticing more of my daily habits correlate to my OCD. I'm not quite sure. Still, everything hasn't gotten too terribly bad. Praise the Lord for that. (:

Lets move on to the Boundary Waters trip!
I feel like such a man when we go up there, really, I do. Stomping through the woods carrying super heavy packs, not showering for five days, being a beast, cliff jumping, all that jazz. I still enjoy it though, I feel like a man a lot of the time anyways. I'm like a.. woMAN. Haha. I'm dumb.
Anyways, moving on. This year I went up with my dad, sister, cousin Kellie, and cousin Leah. Just the five of us. Smaller group than some other years but still fun none the less. It rained two of the four days we were there, which kinda sucked. We were either hopping into the lake or sleeping in the tent all day. We love to read books out loud, taking turns reading. This year we read "And Then There Were None" by Agatha Christie, it was an awesome book. I've been wanting to read a book of hers for a while now, you know, see if I like the author and all that jazz. I was thoroughly impressed! Absolutely loved it. Adored it even. I think I'll look into her Miss Marple series next. We finished the whole book up there, since we had so much down time in the tent.


Ah no, I ran out of time. I'm fading away, sleeping pills says: "Sleep. Now. OR ELSE." Oh well, at least I posted something.


~Sarah-Mae

Whoa it's six in the morning

Well I went out last night which was really good for me, I met up with Christina at Caribou and went on to the park to meet up with Patrick from there. We ended up leaving with a few people including his two sisters, Kelly and Joy. They're pretty awesome. Just saying.
Anyways, we went to Tacobell since them boys were hungry and ended up going to the heart of Burnsville. Patrick ran into the little thing of water so... Joy and I ran after. Long story short, we were soaking wet by the time we left. It was awesome. <3
Anyways, I didn't fall asleep until around 2:30 which was... Awesome... Obviously. Well I woke up at five in the morning, what can you do about it? I've been sleeping on this couch way too often for my liking, I'm sore... ALL. OVER. It hurts to walk today, hahaha... Blah.. I feel like faceplanting into my bed and just lying there for... All day. Heh heh.
I guess this is going to be a much shorter post than I expected. My brain doesn't enjoy trying to function this early in the morning with such little sleep.

Never again, well, for that

Never again will I feel those blades running across my arm. I won't be enamored with the thought, the feeling, the seeing, the overall sensation. It felt so freeing in the moment... But it's not worth it. To be honest, it hurts like a bad word right not. It burns too. When it rubs against my sleeve, yeah, it HURTS. Anyways. Tonight has been absolutely terrible. I feel so.. I don't even know. I feel everything at once. I am hurt, sad, lonely, unwanted, unnecessary, I feel like a burden to all my friends and family. It's very displeasing to me. I have always been the "mother hen", I look after everyone else. I don't fix my problems, I fix their problems. I wish I would take time to fix myself. I tried, I really did. It always seems I care too much for everyone else. I tried so hard to put the pieces back together, but they didn't seem to fit or the glue wasn't sticky enough.

  

There always seems to be something preventing the healing process, isn't there?

Always something... No matter what it is, my life just doesn't go as planned. Things don't seem to work out. I had so many hopes and dreams, but my life has fallen apart and it won't fit back together. I can't seem to focus on my aspirations any longer, I just don't seem to care anymore. I wish I cared... So much... I want to do so many things in my short life. It just doesn't seem worth it anymore.

What's the point?

I don't like things without purpose, without need, without importance. I need to wake up and realize everything and everyone has a purpose. I am a perfectionist, no doubt about it. You can tell, even from the outside. I will put everything I have into something, and if it does not turn out the way I wanted to, the "perfect" way, it is not good enough. I might as well toss it out the window of a moving car. Feeling like a failure is how I feel. All the time. Why? Hmm. I can't function without my medication, I can't sleep without my medication, I can't keep up with my homework unless I get 100%, I can't work on something that I know won't come out "correctly".

Maybe my pieces don't fit together. Maybe they aren't supposed to. Maybe I need to rebuild them, completely.

This will take some time, won't it? I don't like taking so much time on a single thing, not something such as this. I can't seem to bring myself to do it. I wish I could pick up the scattered pieces and glue them back together. Life would be so much easier, but, then that wouldn't be life I suppose. Life is hard. You have to tough it out. It sucks sometimes, it really does. Trust me, I would know. I feel like trying to rebuild my life isn't worth it. Making a new foundation in God, making thicker walls in places and thinner in others, making new memories.

Why don't I know what the problem is?

I believe that deep deep down inside of myself, I know. I know why I feel like this. I know why I cry myself to sleep. I'm just scratching the surface here, but eventually I'll get down to the core. I know I can and I will. I know I will... Someday.

Why do I care?

I told myself I didn't care anymore. I wanted so badly to believe that I really didn't care anymore. That I had given up on myself and everyone else. If I didn't care I could just get it over with. Everything would just go away then. If I didn't care, I could let myself go, I could leave behind my family and my friends, I could rebel, I could do anything I wanted when ever I wanted. If I didn't care.

~Sarah-Mae