Why?

Do you ever just lie there wondering why? Why your voice isn't heard, you're screaming but still no one hears you. You've watched and waited and now you're warning, no one listens.

A couple thoughts and feelings

You're the first thing I think of, each morning I arise.

You are the last thing I think of, each night I close my eyes.

My feelings are growing strong, with every move you make. 

You're an angel from above, who takes my pain away.

You are the miracle in my life, who always makes me smile.

Just knowing that you care, makes me life worth-while.

You've touched my heart and my soul, stained it with your love.

Your gentle words will never leave my heart. 

You're everything I want, so pure and true.

I love you with everything I have.

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Silence builds an awful wreckage of a girl, it feeds on loneliness and creates a void.

Grey shadows haunt, torment, and abuse.

A girl is stricken and destroyed.

There is not a sound of laughter or a smiling face to see, 

the little ones have given up and took the easy road home.

Somber, melancholy moods decay the soul.

It is futile to hope, dream, and pray.

Emptiness builds a home here in this woman, in this girl, this child, where hollows have bred.

A deepening sea of darkness consumes the soul,  it eats away at every connecting thread.

Confusion feels savage inside of her, she is destined to walk through life less than ordinary.

Alone.

Exiled.

Different.

&

Disdained.

~Sarah-Mae

I think they call it writers block

I've tried a million and one times to post, literally. Just today I've sat down and stared at the screen five times, yet I just couldn't get myself to type and I have no idea why. It's strange, to not be able to find the words to say, since I am a very out spoken person and enjoy long talks. I mean, there is plenty to update about but I just couldn't sit down and type it out. Don't get me wrong, I still love blogging whole-heatedly. Well, I suppose since I've taken my sleeping pill I should start getting to the point, I only have but a half hour, maximum.

Let's just start with the overall mood since the last post, shall we?
I've actually been pretty awesome, life is going well. I love my family, friends, God, and life. To be honest, it really is a newer feeling to me. Being so incredibly happy, being able to calm down and live my life. I still have speed bumps here and there obviously, but everyone does. In general I think I've been making progress, starting to grab this depression by the horns and just hang on. I mean, what else are you going to do about it? My Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is still the same though, in some respects I feel like it's getting worse, or maybe I'm just still noticing more of my daily habits correlate to my OCD. I'm not quite sure. Still, everything hasn't gotten too terribly bad. Praise the Lord for that. (:

Lets move on to the Boundary Waters trip!
I feel like such a man when we go up there, really, I do. Stomping through the woods carrying super heavy packs, not showering for five days, being a beast, cliff jumping, all that jazz. I still enjoy it though, I feel like a man a lot of the time anyways. I'm like a.. woMAN. Haha. I'm dumb.
Anyways, moving on. This year I went up with my dad, sister, cousin Kellie, and cousin Leah. Just the five of us. Smaller group than some other years but still fun none the less. It rained two of the four days we were there, which kinda sucked. We were either hopping into the lake or sleeping in the tent all day. We love to read books out loud, taking turns reading. This year we read "And Then There Were None" by Agatha Christie, it was an awesome book. I've been wanting to read a book of hers for a while now, you know, see if I like the author and all that jazz. I was thoroughly impressed! Absolutely loved it. Adored it even. I think I'll look into her Miss Marple series next. We finished the whole book up there, since we had so much down time in the tent.


Ah no, I ran out of time. I'm fading away, sleeping pills says: "Sleep. Now. OR ELSE." Oh well, at least I posted something.


~Sarah-Mae

Whoa it's six in the morning

Well I went out last night which was really good for me, I met up with Christina at Caribou and went on to the park to meet up with Patrick from there. We ended up leaving with a few people including his two sisters, Kelly and Joy. They're pretty awesome. Just saying.
Anyways, we went to Tacobell since them boys were hungry and ended up going to the heart of Burnsville. Patrick ran into the little thing of water so... Joy and I ran after. Long story short, we were soaking wet by the time we left. It was awesome. <3
Anyways, I didn't fall asleep until around 2:30 which was... Awesome... Obviously. Well I woke up at five in the morning, what can you do about it? I've been sleeping on this couch way too often for my liking, I'm sore... ALL. OVER. It hurts to walk today, hahaha... Blah.. I feel like faceplanting into my bed and just lying there for... All day. Heh heh.
I guess this is going to be a much shorter post than I expected. My brain doesn't enjoy trying to function this early in the morning with such little sleep.

The topic of the night is fitting in

Fitting in for me is a difficult thing to do, it might not seem as such though. I have a lot of friends, I get along with almost everyone, and the like. Sometimes it's really emotionally difficult to be the only Asian in the room full of people. I feel out of place. Don't get me wrong now, I absolutely adore my Korean heritage and I wouldn't trade being Korean to be of a different race. That doesn't mean that I don't have issues with feeling uncomfortable most of the time. I love going to Korean restaurants, Asian stores, Korea town in Chicago and Korea town in New York. 

Dun dun... Dun dun dundundun...

Okay, so I've realized that it's been way too long since I posted last. Nah, I won't bother making up excuses. I should have posted but I didn't. Even I have my lazy moments. On Wednesday evening I met up with some pretty awesome people at the park, went off to Tacobell with a "strange" man, and then ran around in the water at the Heart of Burnsville. On Friday I went to class, went to the mall with my cousin, ate ice cream, picked up Hannah and Leah, went to the lake and TRIED to hit a beach ball around, then went out and bought more ice cream and watched Treasure Island.. The Muppet thing. So yeah. It was pretty awesome. I uploaded a ton of pictures on Facebook yesterday and today, it felt really good to finally get them up. I've been meaning to for a long while. I couldn't find my camera cord thing so I had to go out and buy a card reader, it was only seven dollars. Cool huh? Now I'll just keep this nifty little thing with my laptop accessories and hopefully it will stay there... Lets hope it doesn't get up and walk a way, eh?

Filling out my calendar was quite the job, I imputed all the dates I know I will be gone for in Sharpie Pen and used pencil to fill in any possibly dates of being gone or even being available. Staring at all the dates is a bit over-whelming when you look at it as a whole, so much time not even being home, sleeping in my own bed. Ah well.. I enjoy keeping busy. I love my own bed a lot though, it's nice to just come home and literally faceplant into it then just lay there.(I got a funny mental image and laughed out loud. Bahaha.)

I love sleep. My body loves sleep. My brain loves sleep. Right now I am severely lacking in the sleep department, since I got four solid hours of sleep and I can't seem to drift off again. I put on some SVU but still, I can't seem to be able to fall asleep. Usually I am able to fall back asleep pretty quickly but apparently this morning is different. Hopefully I can nap later and make up for some of this much needed sleep, since I'm going out tonight. Well I guess this post is good enough for now, since I'll probably be posting at least one more time today. I hope.


~Sarah-Mae

I should really post before I go to sleep

Ah well, people come and go... I find it much easier to just not let people in and grow close to them than you have had such good people in my life. I guess you could say it's the "easy way out" again. I have so much love and I am willing to give it, I just wish that others would return said love.. I've been hurt too many times. You know that phrase "It's better to have loved and lost that love than to have never loved."? I'm to the point where I would much rather have never loved, than to have loved and lost that love. Really.

Oh boy, suddenly I feel ill. Probably because it's 12:10 in the morning, I just took my sleeping pill on an empty stomach, I've been staring at this screen just about all day, I'm practically stating at the ceiling light, and I'm listening to this tragic song which I fell in love with. <3

I sit at the computer a lot, for many different reasons. I think I should invest in a pair of computer glasses. They reflect the glare and such which protects your eyes, you're not supposed to get headaches and such. I found some on Amazon for a decent price, and another pair for not so decent. One-hundred dollars. xD

I wanted to make a longer post but I really don't feel the greatest. Oh well, there's always next time.



~Sarah-Mae

Relationships

Well guys, I must admit that last night was rough. Really rough. You know, friends come and go but there are certain people who stay by your side, no matter what. I have those people as my best friends, I honestly have no idea what I would do if I didn't have them. Sometimes you go through rough times with your friends, sometimes they are the reason times are tough... Sometimes it's best to let those people go, to move on with your life. When you want one thing and your friend wants something else it causes an unbalanced relationship. Or.. When you put so much of your time and effort into a relationship that is going no where, at all, it's oh so very one-sided. It weighs you down, takes so much out of you emotionally. Both parties need to put effort into a relationship if it's going to be healthy, balanced, and just an over-all good relationship.

Why is my relationship with this person imbalanced?

I feel like I'm the only one who puts time into it, I'm the one starting our "conversations", if you could even consider them conversations. I go out of my way to try and talk and see this person, even if I really just don't feel like it. I would just like the other person to try and make things work, to put their own time and effort into it. Is that too much to ask for?

Brianna

Why do Bri and I have such an awesome friendship that will honestly last through high school, college, and so on? We both put time into it, yeah, even we have rough times once in a while of just not feeling like we want to put the effort into attempting to look at least somewhat presentable. Sometimes it's just "too much work". But hey, usually we get off our butts and do it anyways. Why? Because, we are best friends and we'd like to keep it that way. Bri has been there for me through everything. I really mean it when I say it, everything. We officially became best friends over our seventh grade South Dakota Missions Trip. From then on we just clicked, it was really that simple. We are so open with each other, we know everything about each other. I feel like I've known her my ENTIRE life, it's so odd. Odd in a good way. I know with my whole heart that I could tell her absolutely anything without fear of being judged, though different, thought less of, or losing her as my best friend. I barely have a life outside of her, not that I don't go out with other friends and such. We are the same person, yet we are total opposites. Does that even make any sense to you? We are so much alike in such different ways. Argh, I could go on and on about Bri. She is the best. She is so incredibly special. You see, we're going to live together after college hopefully. Our careers permitting, we will share a place. Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. I love Bri. The end.





~Sarah-Mae