Never again will I feel those blades running across my arm. I won't be enamored with the thought, the feeling, the seeing, the overall sensation. It felt so freeing in the moment... But it's not worth it. To be honest, it hurts like a bad word right not. It burns too. When it rubs against my sleeve, yeah, it HURTS. Anyways. Tonight has been absolutely terrible. I feel so.. I don't even know. I feel everything at once. I am hurt, sad, lonely, unwanted, unnecessary, I feel like a burden to all my friends and family. It's very displeasing to me. I have always been the "mother hen", I look after everyone else. I don't fix my problems, I fix their problems. I wish I would take time to fix myself. I tried, I really did. It always seems I care too much for everyone else. I tried so hard to put the pieces back together, but they didn't seem to fit or the glue wasn't sticky enough.
There always seems to be something preventing the healing process, isn't there?
Always something... No matter what it is, my life just doesn't go as planned. Things don't seem to work out. I had so many hopes and dreams, but my life has fallen apart and it won't fit back together. I can't seem to focus on my aspirations any longer, I just don't seem to care anymore. I wish I cared... So much... I want to do so many things in my short life. It just doesn't seem worth it anymore.
What's the point?
I don't like things without purpose, without need, without importance. I need to wake up and realize everything and everyone has a purpose. I am a perfectionist, no doubt about it. You can tell, even from the outside. I will put everything I have into something, and if it does not turn out the way I wanted to, the "perfect" way, it is not good enough. I might as well toss it out the window of a moving car. Feeling like a failure is how I feel. All the time. Why? Hmm. I can't function without my medication, I can't sleep without my medication, I can't keep up with my homework unless I get 100%, I can't work on something that I know won't come out "correctly".
Maybe my pieces don't fit together. Maybe they aren't supposed to. Maybe I need to rebuild them, completely.
This will take some time, won't it? I don't like taking so much time on a single thing, not something such as this. I can't seem to bring myself to do it. I wish I could pick up the scattered pieces and glue them back together. Life would be so much easier, but, then that wouldn't be life I suppose. Life is hard. You have to tough it out. It sucks sometimes, it really does. Trust me, I would know. I feel like trying to rebuild my life isn't worth it. Making a new foundation in God, making thicker walls in places and thinner in others, making new memories.
Why don't I know what the problem is?
I believe that deep deep down inside of myself, I know. I know why I feel like this. I know why I cry myself to sleep. I'm just scratching the surface here, but eventually I'll get down to the core. I know I can and I will. I know I will... Someday.
Why do I care?
I told myself I didn't care anymore. I wanted so badly to believe that I really didn't care anymore. That I had given up on myself and everyone else. If I didn't care I could just get it over with. Everything would just go away then. If I didn't care, I could let myself go, I could leave behind my family and my friends, I could rebel, I could do anything I wanted when ever I wanted. If I didn't care.
~Sarah-Mae
***PREFACE- This is Kellie, and this is SUPER long. I hope you have the patience to read the whole thing, I think it may help. And I'm talking to myself just ass much as I'm talking to you. We all need to hear the truth a hundred times a day...***
ReplyDelete"I don't like things without purpose, without need, without importance."
I can totally relate to that. A huge aspect of my self worth issues stem from the idea that my worth is just empirically low. I set up systems in my head of how the world is and how I should work within those parameters. Then of course, I fail (i.e. I'm not thin enough, not hairless enough, not smart enough, not strong enough, not kind enough, not considerate enough, not brave enough, I can't keep my room clean, this person doesn't love me, ETC FOREVER)
Then I feel as if I can determine, rationally and reasonably that I am of less value to society and to a given family unit or individual.
And I think you're like me in this way. We aren't stupid. We cut the crap. We like to have things figured out and take action based on what we've figured out. We have reasons for thinking what we think. We don't want to die because we're deluded enough to think that no one will care. Of course they'll care, but we think it's objectively, emotion aside, the right thing to do in light of our indisputable inferiority.
But there is a huge and critical error in this way of thinking.
In this way of thinking, we ARE God. We seat ourselves on the throne and create a system. A tiny, controllable system. In our system, we not only judge others harshly and presume to know and understand the motives of others, but we also internalize that judgement and harshness.
The INTENSE allure of this mentality, I think, comes from the fact that we are at all times, at least partially, RIGHT. You know what I mean? Like...we are more perceptive than the average person. So we are affirmed. We're like, "Yeah, that's a nice idea that everyone is so valuable and wonderful. But that isn't how the world works. He DOES choose the pretty girl every time. He DOES objectify me and hurt me. That successful person IS happier and more useful than me. Straight up."
So we're partially right, and then stand on the rightness. But we are super wrong too.
We're standing on man made systems, whether we made them, or other people made them (whether that be a school or workplace or parents or friends or random people). These are all worthless and passing away (that's not to say that these things aren't valuable in and of themselves, but we can corrupt them into mere systems to succeed or fail in). The only way of thinking that matters is God's way of thinking. His way. His system.
What we need to hear, that we will never hear in our culture (because our culture and sinful hearts have conditioned us to think we are ENTITLED to everything and DESERVE everything) is this:
There IS something severely wrong with us, and we ARE completely defective. Don't try to talk yourself out of that, because it's totally true. We were born in sin and shaped in iniquity. We are inherently, and completely sinful.
The worst path you can go down is trying to make yourself ignore the fact that you fail and are clearly far from perfect. That's delusion.
Here is a lie that culture and your own heart and the devil WILL and DOES tell us (I promise):
"Try to understand yourself as much as possible. Keep peering inside of you. Keep thinking about yourself and what you do. Keep trying to understand why and how you do things and say things."
While a reasonable amount of self assessment is healthy and NEEDED, that mentality is evil. It's evil, because ultimately it's just self obsession and vanity. Even if we're staring in the mirror (literal or figurative) for 5 hours straight because we SO despise what we see, we're still just as self obsessed as the person who's doing it because they think they're SUPER HOT.
ReplyDeleteAnd self obsession is pride. And pride proceeds destruction and opposition from God. People don't like to hear it, but that's what the Bible says.
So instead of looking deeper at ourselves, instead of obsessing over how and why we fail, we should look at God. And not just in some fuzzy "God is the magical happy comfort figure that makes me feel happy and magical." I'm talking about the real, living God, who DOES comfort us in our sadness, but who also deals out trials for our good and growth. And the God who is not primarily concerned with us feeling super super happy all the time, but who is more concerned with whether we have joy rooted in our salvation.
I promise you, you are not always going to feel happy. You will probably feel depressed and confused a lot in your life. You will not always succeed. You will fail, and it will hurt. The solution is NOT trying to feel better, or self medicate in any way (this includes cutting, binging/purging/alcohol/drugs/sex and for SOME people medication[I think that's for the individual to evaluate]) Life in Jesus is not about a constant stream of happiness or even okness.
It's about always finding our satisfaction and joy in the fact that we are saved from hell. That we are saved to spend eternity with God. Even if while we're here we have PCOS, or OCD or Anorexia, or Anxiety, or depression, or we're in jail, or we've been raped, or we can just never feel "ok"...we still have joy.
That's the REAL Gospel, anything else is the prosperity gospel and will be the death of you. (Emphasis was obviously added by me).
Paul says it best in Phillipians:
" 8Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have SUFFERED the loss of all things (ALL things...like happiness, family, money, grades, orginization, health, friends etc.) and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ 9and be found in him, *not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ*, the righteousness from God that depends on faith— 10that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, **and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death**, 11that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead.
12NOT THAT I HAVE ALREADT ATTAINED THIS, OR AM ALREADY PERFECT, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. 13Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, 14I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. 15Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you. 16Only let us hold true to what we have attained."
Also, these are all from Kellie. Also that "emphasis added by me" thing is referring to the scripture below it, not the previous statement. WHY CAN'T I EDIT COMMENTS?
ReplyDeleteOh! I thought of something else too. (of course)
ReplyDeleteI also really relate to you avoiding your own problems by "dealing" with everyone else's. I've done that FOREVER.
This is really tempting to do. And it's hard because again, we don't shelter ourselves from the realities of other people. We get involved. We CARE. And so we see the true nature of people, which is messed up and evil and sad and weak. And this can be extremely depressing.
We really WANT the people around us to be "ok" and if they're "ok", then in some capacity we'll be "ok"(especially when it comes to parents, close family members and intimate friends, because their problems DIRECTLY affect us). But I think that a lot of the times that's just playing into our little God complex. There is still the element of control present there...that we have to TOTALLY let go of. God is sovereign and already in control. If we're not aware of that and feel like we're even a little in control...we're being insane and delusional.
I keep getting pop corn thoughts...so unless you scream at me to go away...I'll probably keep writing forever. And even then...