I'm going to try it, I can't help it

I can't really handle all this stuff anymore I really can't. I want to go back to the hospital and stay there, I can't handle taking care of everybody else anymore. I can't even take care of myself. Sure, I don't like blood but I'm going to try it anyways. I am going to feel the blade of my razor sliding across my skin, I am going to watch the blood trickle down my arm and onto the floor and I will be satisfied. I can't help it anymore, I have to try it. I have to. I can't help myself anymore, and no one can help me. I've tried to put the pieces back together, but they aren't fitting. Something is still wrong. I can't put my finger on it.. Sometimes life is just too stressful for me. 

I am so tired. I wanted to take a nap. I tried, I really did. I think about what it would be like to go out and get high, to sleep around, to get hammered. Would it take away my problems in that moment? Probably. I want to go through a rebellious stage, I want to do all those things. I'd be so addicted, but I'd be free of my immediate problems. I'll be sitting on the floor, staring down at my wrist as I slide the blades over it, enamored with the sensations that will follow. It will grant me freedom, I will have control, I will own it. 

~Sarah-Mae