A couple thoughts and feelings

You're the first thing I think of, each morning I arise.

You are the last thing I think of, each night I close my eyes.

My feelings are growing strong, with every move you make. 

You're an angel from above, who takes my pain away.

You are the miracle in my life, who always makes me smile.

Just knowing that you care, makes me life worth-while.

You've touched my heart and my soul, stained it with your love.

Your gentle words will never leave my heart. 

You're everything I want, so pure and true.

I love you with everything I have.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Silence builds an awful wreckage of a girl, it feeds on loneliness and creates a void.

Grey shadows haunt, torment, and abuse.

A girl is stricken and destroyed.

There is not a sound of laughter or a smiling face to see, 

the little ones have given up and took the easy road home.

Somber, melancholy moods decay the soul.

It is futile to hope, dream, and pray.

Emptiness builds a home here in this woman, in this girl, this child, where hollows have bred.

A deepening sea of darkness consumes the soul,  it eats away at every connecting thread.

Confusion feels savage inside of her, she is destined to walk through life less than ordinary.

Alone.

Exiled.

Different.

&

Disdained.

~Sarah-Mae

I think they call it writers block

I've tried a million and one times to post, literally. Just today I've sat down and stared at the screen five times, yet I just couldn't get myself to type and I have no idea why. It's strange, to not be able to find the words to say, since I am a very out spoken person and enjoy long talks. I mean, there is plenty to update about but I just couldn't sit down and type it out. Don't get me wrong, I still love blogging whole-heatedly. Well, I suppose since I've taken my sleeping pill I should start getting to the point, I only have but a half hour, maximum.

Let's just start with the overall mood since the last post, shall we?
I've actually been pretty awesome, life is going well. I love my family, friends, God, and life. To be honest, it really is a newer feeling to me. Being so incredibly happy, being able to calm down and live my life. I still have speed bumps here and there obviously, but everyone does. In general I think I've been making progress, starting to grab this depression by the horns and just hang on. I mean, what else are you going to do about it? My Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is still the same though, in some respects I feel like it's getting worse, or maybe I'm just still noticing more of my daily habits correlate to my OCD. I'm not quite sure. Still, everything hasn't gotten too terribly bad. Praise the Lord for that. (:

Lets move on to the Boundary Waters trip!
I feel like such a man when we go up there, really, I do. Stomping through the woods carrying super heavy packs, not showering for five days, being a beast, cliff jumping, all that jazz. I still enjoy it though, I feel like a man a lot of the time anyways. I'm like a.. woMAN. Haha. I'm dumb.
Anyways, moving on. This year I went up with my dad, sister, cousin Kellie, and cousin Leah. Just the five of us. Smaller group than some other years but still fun none the less. It rained two of the four days we were there, which kinda sucked. We were either hopping into the lake or sleeping in the tent all day. We love to read books out loud, taking turns reading. This year we read "And Then There Were None" by Agatha Christie, it was an awesome book. I've been wanting to read a book of hers for a while now, you know, see if I like the author and all that jazz. I was thoroughly impressed! Absolutely loved it. Adored it even. I think I'll look into her Miss Marple series next. We finished the whole book up there, since we had so much down time in the tent.


Ah no, I ran out of time. I'm fading away, sleeping pills says: "Sleep. Now. OR ELSE." Oh well, at least I posted something.


~Sarah-Mae

Mexico - Day Eight - On the way home

Sitting on the place at 11:15 PM. We just took off from Dallas; we were supposed to be landing in Minneapolis right now but hey, what are you gonna do about it, right? I have to admit that I have a pretty horrendous attitude right now. I'm tired and if you know me even just a little bit then you know how I get when I'm lacking sleep. I'm a really mean person to chat with and even just to be in the same room with. I'm emotionally exhausted after leaving Joyas. I feel so close to Mexico. The people, culture, food, family, even the general atmosphere draws my attention in. Somehow I feel like I belong in Mexico, I feel like I fit in. I'm wanted and appreciated, loved and adored, /needed/. Even though I don't speak much of the language and I'm still a different color, everything feels right. I can't share a piece of information right now, I hope you all can understand. I would like to tell my close friends in person before letting everyone else know. It is still in the very early planning staged and I want to hear what my dear ones say about it before informing everyone else of my hopes and new dreams.

So much is changing in my life, in every way. For the better. Not that I was a terrible person before but no one is perfect and I am striving to change my life and live for Him. I know he has a plan for me, I feel like it could be huge if I go through the proper doors. I need to let him close the doors then jump out the window, instead of closing the door myself for selfish reasons. Personal gain. I feel like I have so much to offer but I am limited in Bloomington, I know I can't change the world but I sure can do my best. I can change the lives of a few people, so why shouldn't I?


~Sarah-Mae

Mexico - Day Five

I'm laying in bed hoping I will fall asleep and stay asleep until 6.
Tomorrow we go to the Mayan pyramids, shop, swim, eat, then hop over to the Mother Church. I still want to cry as I think about the four days left here in Mexico. I pray every night that I will follow God's plan for me. Whether it is going off to Princeton or Stanford to study law and follow a career of prosecuting sex crimes, jumping over to culinary school, sliding over to floral design, or becoming a missionary and working here in Mexico. I want it to be so clear, the path I am meant to take. No matter what, I need to finish high school obviously so I have less than two years to figure out God's will for me. At least figure out a bit of it. I don't want to spend money on classes just to end up dropping out. Bleh. I just wish life was slightly easier, not too much though. I love challenges but sometimes life here on Earth is dumb. I am finding that typing on my iPod is the same speed as if I were to type this up on the computer, which is really nice but I need to find a good Blogspot app. Saving a post as a note is eas, copy and paste to a blog post and BAM. BLOG POSTED. Cool, no? It's time to try and sleep. I honestly can not take thinking about this anymore. Too emotional for right now I'll rebound into crying myself to sleep if I keep going on about having to leave Mexico.


~Sarah-Mae

Mexico - Day Three

I feel like I belong here. Somehow I feel like I fit in, unlike at home; in Bloomington, Minnesota. Something about Mexico just feels right. Everything here feels right. My heart tells me to stay here but my head tells me to go for Princeton or Stanford. I love the culture, the people, the traditions, the atmosphere, the food, the weather. Everything. It's perfect. I must admit that I am worried though, about finding a mate who is up for moving to Mexico. Funny, huh:? But then again, I'm not searching for a man in the first place, I am waiting for God to lead the perfect man to me. I would ask my blog readers to pray for me as my confliction only grows. Pray that God will lead me to where he wants me to be, that I won't put my wants as a human being before His will.


~Sarah-Mae

Ho hum

Well these next few posts will most likely be short, cheesy, romance filled, lots of thoughts all mushed together, etc etc. I made a few notes on my iPod so I would have something to post when I got back home. I had a lot to think about and many things changed while I was in Mexico, for the better, at least I think. Once I'm all done posting what I wrote throughout the week I'll share about the trip as an entirety and the plans I am putting in order.


~Sarah-Mae

Whoa it's six in the morning

Well I went out last night which was really good for me, I met up with Christina at Caribou and went on to the park to meet up with Patrick from there. We ended up leaving with a few people including his two sisters, Kelly and Joy. They're pretty awesome. Just saying.
Anyways, we went to Tacobell since them boys were hungry and ended up going to the heart of Burnsville. Patrick ran into the little thing of water so... Joy and I ran after. Long story short, we were soaking wet by the time we left. It was awesome. <3
Anyways, I didn't fall asleep until around 2:30 which was... Awesome... Obviously. Well I woke up at five in the morning, what can you do about it? I've been sleeping on this couch way too often for my liking, I'm sore... ALL. OVER. It hurts to walk today, hahaha... Blah.. I feel like faceplanting into my bed and just lying there for... All day. Heh heh.
I guess this is going to be a much shorter post than I expected. My brain doesn't enjoy trying to function this early in the morning with such little sleep.

The topic of the night is fitting in

Fitting in for me is a difficult thing to do, it might not seem as such though. I have a lot of friends, I get along with almost everyone, and the like. Sometimes it's really emotionally difficult to be the only Asian in the room full of people. I feel out of place. Don't get me wrong now, I absolutely adore my Korean heritage and I wouldn't trade being Korean to be of a different race. That doesn't mean that I don't have issues with feeling uncomfortable most of the time. I love going to Korean restaurants, Asian stores, Korea town in Chicago and Korea town in New York. 

Dun dun... Dun dun dundundun...

Okay, so I've realized that it's been way too long since I posted last. Nah, I won't bother making up excuses. I should have posted but I didn't. Even I have my lazy moments. On Wednesday evening I met up with some pretty awesome people at the park, went off to Tacobell with a "strange" man, and then ran around in the water at the Heart of Burnsville. On Friday I went to class, went to the mall with my cousin, ate ice cream, picked up Hannah and Leah, went to the lake and TRIED to hit a beach ball around, then went out and bought more ice cream and watched Treasure Island.. The Muppet thing. So yeah. It was pretty awesome. I uploaded a ton of pictures on Facebook yesterday and today, it felt really good to finally get them up. I've been meaning to for a long while. I couldn't find my camera cord thing so I had to go out and buy a card reader, it was only seven dollars. Cool huh? Now I'll just keep this nifty little thing with my laptop accessories and hopefully it will stay there... Lets hope it doesn't get up and walk a way, eh?

Filling out my calendar was quite the job, I imputed all the dates I know I will be gone for in Sharpie Pen and used pencil to fill in any possibly dates of being gone or even being available. Staring at all the dates is a bit over-whelming when you look at it as a whole, so much time not even being home, sleeping in my own bed. Ah well.. I enjoy keeping busy. I love my own bed a lot though, it's nice to just come home and literally faceplant into it then just lay there.(I got a funny mental image and laughed out loud. Bahaha.)

I love sleep. My body loves sleep. My brain loves sleep. Right now I am severely lacking in the sleep department, since I got four solid hours of sleep and I can't seem to drift off again. I put on some SVU but still, I can't seem to be able to fall asleep. Usually I am able to fall back asleep pretty quickly but apparently this morning is different. Hopefully I can nap later and make up for some of this much needed sleep, since I'm going out tonight. Well I guess this post is good enough for now, since I'll probably be posting at least one more time today. I hope.


~Sarah-Mae

Whew, what a day

Well, first off I should start by apologizing for not posting sooner. I intended to post more often, honestly. Sometimes things just don't work out, huh?
Lately I've been doing really well, surprisingly... I've gotten out a lot though, which makes my days a lot better. When I go out with my friends nothing else really matters. I can just have fun, like a "normal" teenage girl.

What is "normal"?


I can't get into all of that right now, I'll get back to you on this in a "Society" post. Haha...


I love just hanging out, I could sit around and talk for hours and be totally ecstatic. I don't know... I like and appreciate the little things in life now days, I guess it's becoming a habit of sort. I notice a lot more than the average person, due to my OCD and just the way I am, I suppose. I didn't really... What's the word... Not that I didn't pay attention to the small stuff, I guess I didn't really concern myself with it? It just didn't matter to me. I took things for granted. I took everything for granted. I have learned and I am learning how to notice the "small" things and to really appreciate them. I don't really remember where I was going with this... I'm tired now. Heh heh.
Well anyways. I want to do lots of things in my life. Little and big things such as museum hopping and sky diving. Touring Europe, Asia, etc. Take a road trip, I love driving around. Haha.
If you're interested in museum hopping with me you should definitely let me know. I have to warn you though, I don't do much socializing when I'm at museums. ...I'm a nerd...
I'll take notes... Gawk for a few minutes... Stuff like that... But hey, you're more than welcome to keep me company. If you love me, take me to the Science Museum or like... Fort Snelling... Even the art museum. :p





~Sarah-Mae