Sunday, September 25, 2011

I love this

DATING APPLICATION


APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER:
NOTE: THIS APPLICATION WILL BE INCOMPLETE AND REJECTED UNLESS
ACCOMPANIED BY A COMPLETE FINANCIAL STATEMENT, JOB HISTORY, LINEAGE,
AND CURRENT MEDICAL REPORT FROM YOUR DOCTOR.

GENERAL INFORMATION:

NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________

SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________


HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No

Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No

If “No”, explain:
____________________________________________________________

_
_____________________________________________________________________

Number of years they have been married ______________________________

If less than your age, explain
____________________________________________________________

________
____________________________________________________________________


ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, pierced tongue, pierced cheek or
a belly button ring? __Yes __No
(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND
LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)

ESSAY SECTION:
In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?
____________________________________________________________

__
______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?
____________________________________________________________

__
______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?
____________________________________________________________

__
______________________________________________________________

REFERENCES SECTION:
Church you attend ___________________________________________________

How often you attend ________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:
Father? _____________

Mother? _____________
Pastor? _____________

SHORTANSWER SECTION:
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are
confidential.

A. If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:
______________________________________________________________

B. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
______________________________________________________________


C. A woman's place is in the:
______________________________________________________________

D. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
______________________________________________________________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ______________________________________________________________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
______________________________________________________________

G. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE
BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE
AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER
TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE. ______________________________

___________________________

Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)
_______________________________ ______________________________

__

Mother's Signature Father's Signature
_______________________________ ______________________________

__
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman




Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.

Please allow four to six years for processing.
You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try
to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you
injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two
gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch
your back) To prepare yourself, should you, by some ice cube’s chance in HELL, be
even remotely considered, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating,
which is attached to this Application.


Daddy's Rules for Dating
Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy)

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering a
package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so
long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep
your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to
wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their
hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your
friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open-minded
about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the
door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and
I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do
not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter,
I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in
place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing
a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it
comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each
other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the
day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is
an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my  house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow with many opportunities to
date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my
daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you
will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If
you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear,
and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to
be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is
putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the
Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do
something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
• Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden
stool.
• Places where there is darkness.
• Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
• Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my
daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other
than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her
throat.
• Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided;
movies which feature chain saws are okay.
• Hockey games are okay. Old folks’ homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a slow, potbellied, balding,
middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter,
I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you
where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the
truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a
shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.



Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the
sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice
paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in
my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring
my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway, you should
exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter
password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter
home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for
you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

No comments:

Post a Comment